“Why doesn’t she just leave?” is a question that is often discussed when analyzing issues involving domestic violence. The answer is complex. Some women do not have the opportunity to leave due to obstructions which involve finances, safety, children and many more. Abusers try to manipulate their victims into thinking that their situation is well-deserved. Many women assume that if they were ever being abused by their husbands, they would leave immediately; however, before making that assumption one must truly consider why victims of domestic violence stay with their abusive spouses.  To reduce domestic abuse three factors need to be considered: why the victim stays with her husband, signs to detect when abuse is occurring and the steps that must occur for the victim to leave.   Leaving an abusive marriage is a great deal easier said than done. 

Girls grow up dreaming about their future.  They imagine the perfect job, the perfect wedding, the perfect life. Parents try to protect their daughters from all the pain and suffering in the world for as long as they can; until one day in the blink of an eye their little princess is all grown up. Suddenly, daddy’s little girl has stopped thinking boys have “cooties” and fallen for the cute, funny, popular boy in her eighth-grade science class. My good friend, Jackie, could not have predicted that her little crush would soon control how she lived the next six years of her life. To her surprise, her dream boy liked her back and eventually they began to date. Their relationship blossomed within the next year as they entered high school. He was perfect in her eyes and made her feel as though she was the only girl in the world. She was beyond happy. However, he slowly began to change. He started instructing her on where she could go, who she was able hang out with, and what she could wear. He manipulated her into believing she was always in the wrong and that she was nothing without him. As more time passed, the abuse escalated. Sports became her only escape from her abusive partner. As I dreaded attending our daily field hockey practices, she looked forward to each and every one of them. Unfortunately, field hockey also became her excuse for the nasty bruises which covered her body. No one in our close, tight knit town had any idea what she was enduring behind closed doors. Still, she didn’t leave him. Finally, on a vacation with a group of our friends; her secret came out. 

One of his friends heard him screaming at Jackie for wearing a bikini and barged into their shared room to make sure everything was okay. Jackie’s seemingly innocent 8th grade crush had her posted up against the wall with his hands around her neck. That was her breaking point.  Jackie could no longer rationalize his actions, especially after all her friends became aware of the truth. People always ask her why it took her so long to leave. Most believe that if they were in her situation they would have left at the first sign of abuse. However, they do not realize that it is easier said than done; there is always more to every situation than is seen on the surface. She lost her teenage years to a boy she loved.  If took her six years to leave a high school boyfriend, imagine how difficult it is to leave an abusive husband. 

Leslie Steiner, a domestic abuse survivor and Harvard graduate, had to face these obstacles head on when she decided it was time to leave her abusive husband. In Leslie Steiner’s situation, she didn’t realize she was being abused.   She explains to the public that abusers mind-wash their victims into thinking that their situation is well-deserved. “An abusive relationship typically starts off amazing. There are often no issues or indications of abuse. The abuser is usually sweet, kind, affectionate and everything one could ever hope for in a man.” (Steiner). He gains the trust and love of his spouse and then uses it against her. The victim feels her husband is troubled and that she is the only one who can help him. They feel it is just a stage and that everything will soon go back to normal. However, it never ends. He constantly takes his anger out on his wife, physically assaulting her whenever he desires. The abuser places the blame of his actions on his battered wife. She feels responsible for his actions after he constantly manipulates her into thinking she is in the wrong. She stays out of guilt.

The abuse progresses.  In Leslie’s Steiner’s situation, she decided to leave after her husband attempted to kill her. Only then does she expose her abuser to everyone she knew in order to protect her safety.   Women tend to stay longer because they are afraid for their safety once they leave.  A common misconception is that abuse victims are safe once they build up the courage to leave. However, 70% percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has gotten out of the relationship (Steiner). Once the victim finally realizes she is being abused, it is usually too late. In an abuse victim’s mind the choice is, live or leave?  A plan needs to be in place if a victim chooses to leave.   It is very difficult for one to leave on her own; especially because “the cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $8.3 billion per year” (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). The victim needs the help of friends and family in order to be successful to move away. Leslie Steiner explains that a victim needs a strong support system if she wants to successfully leave her abuser. Many people question why she chose to stay as long as she did Steiner for not leaving.   Some people may never understand, unless put in the situation themselves. Steiner is a survivor who made it through the darkness long enough to find the light at the end of the tunnel. She is an advocate for victims who are being emotionally and physically abused by their husbands. She is now happily married with kids, and has dedicated her life to helping domestic violence victims realize that they deserve better than their abuser. However, she still understands why many women choose to stay. 

In order to prevent domestic violence society needs to be educated on the signs to detect abuse.  There are many signs that go into detecting abuse.  Abusers use many tactics to gain total control of their victims, and “95% of men who physically abuse their intimate partners also psychologically abuse them.” (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). Long before the physical abuse begins “the abuser uses humiliation, isolation, threats and intimidation in order to scare their victim” (Smith). According to Melissa Smith, an extremely well-known advocate for domestic violence, an abusers main focus is dominance. They take care and control everything their wife need to survive: “food, clothes, and money, therefore, leaving her with nothing if she ever attempts to leave” (Smith). If she even has the urge to leave her abuser, she quickly disregards the thought after realizing that her husband has complete control over anything she has ever owned. An abuser manipulates his wife until she one day realizes that she no longer has any control over anything in her life.  Unfortunately, many times at that point it is too late. 

One of the main reasons a woman does not leave her abusive husband is because she loves him.  It is difficult to understand how one could love a man who causes her so much pain and suffering. However, many abuse victims remain with their spouse because “they hope and need to believe that their abuser will stop the violence, a need Muldary (1983) termed learned hopefulness” (Barnett). Ola Barnett, a UCLA graduate and professor of psychology at Pepperdine University, gives insight into the psychology behind how “love” keeps an abusive marriage together. After the fear and manipulation an abusive husband casts on his wife, the only hope she has to hold onto is that her spouse will soon stop the abuse and go back to the caring, loving man he was in the beginning of their relationship. She feels as though she is the only one who can help her husband and does not leave out of the marital obligation “through sickness and in health”. Victims tend to feel partially responsible for the abuse they are suffering. An abuser also uses manipulation to make his wife stay. The abuser makes his victim feel worthless by telling her she is “stupid and ugly and no one else would ever want [her]” (Barnett). After being repeatedly beaten down by her abuser she truly begins to believe that she will never find another man who will ever love her. The abuser uses his victim’s low self-esteem to his advantage and constantly reassures her that “all relationships have trouble” (Barnett). Any little move that the abuser makes to make his wife believe that he is changing, gives her hope that the relationship is turning around. If an abuser agrees to go to therapy, it gives him even more control because it makes the victim love him even more for trying. One statistic taken by a domestic violence advocate, Pagelow, on a nearby shelter found that “73% of one shelter sample returned home because the batterer repented and they believed he would change” (Barnett). Their wife gives an inch and the abuser takes a mile. When the victim is about to leave, the abuser manages to pull his spouse back in through manipulation. Surprisingly, love is what keeps most abusive relationships together. 

Marital rape is rarely acknowledged as a problem in today’s society. Many people do not believe rape can take place among a husband and wife. However, it is extremely prevalent in abusive marriages, “Between 40 and 45 percent of women in abusive relationships will also be sexually assaulted during the course of the relationship” (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence).   Women rarely discuss this topic because they feel completely humiliated by the situation, as well as violated. Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to prosecute a man for raping his wife since the idea of marital rape is so foreign to most people. The marital rape exemption holds rape that takes place among a husband and wife to a different standard than rape among two strangers. “In 35 states, limits have been placed on the punishment a husband can receive from being charged with sexually assaulting his wife” (Eskow). Reverend John Hale, a reverend during the Salem witch trial is quoted in this article stating, "[T]he husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their must matrimonial consent and contract the wife hath given up herself …unto the husband, which she cannot retract”. His theory believing that upon marriage, a woman completely gives herself over to her husband and all his desires, which continues to live on in our patriarchal society. Although, many people do acknowledge the fact that rape exists in marriage, it only began to be acknowledged by the criminal justice system within the past few decades (Eskow). Many wives who are raped by their husbands do not bring it to the authorities because of the lack of support they receive by the police department. Their cases are not taken seriously, which makes victims believe that there is no hope for their spouses to be prosecuted. When a man uses his strength to sexually take advantage of a woman against her will, it is a crime. However, once a paper is signed labeling a man and woman, husband and wife; the male spouse is then given a pass allowing him to commit these unlawful acts without any likely consequences. Taking away a woman’s right to do what she wants with her body, takes away her dignity, and leaves her feeling completely worthless.  

Mothers have the most to lose when deciding whether to stay or leave. Lundy Bancroft, a famous domestic violence advocate provides information on why it is so difficult for mothers to escape abusive relationships. He explains to society that victims don’t only have their own well-being to worry about, but the well-being of their children. They are constantly worrying about what the best option is for their kids. A mother knows that a child witnessing their own mother being abused by their father cannot be good for them. However, many victims may not be able to financially support their children if they leave; and they can’t risk having custody being given to her abusive husband. Also, many abusers threaten the lives of their children if their wives try to leave. This leaves victims at a complete standstill. The abuser also convinces their wife that a divorce is selfish and will have nothing but negative effects on their children. Many children who witness abuse are manipulated by their abusive father to believe that their mother deserves to be punished. They grow up seeing their father treat their mother with absolutely no respect and it “teaches children that they can disrespect women the way their fathers do” (Bancroft). The main priority of a mother is the safety of their children; therefore, they are willing to sacrifice themselves for the well-being of their kids. The provider of the information discussed, Kathryn Patricelli, has a master’s degree in counseling and psychological services.  She has worked in individual, couples and family counseling. She has heard endless stories of abuse and has done her best to help show mother’s with kids the best route to leaving an abusive marriage safely. She helps them understand the negative psychological effects that are placed on a child who is being constantly exposed to marital abuse. Mothers who are being abused need to understand that they deserve better and that it is not their fault. 

The issue of domestic violence needs to be talked about more to show victims that people are here to help them. Domestic violence victims need to understand that they are not alone, as “1in 3 American women experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life” (Bancroft).  Many abusive husbands make their wives truly feel completely alone by manipulating their children into hating their mother. Abusers make their children believe that the abuse is the mother’s fault. The children eventually lose respect for their mother because their father has made them believe she is worthless. Lundy Bancroft provides us with this information as he has spent his entire life researching the psychology behind why men abuse their wives. He gives us another perspective on why it is so hard for the woman to leave, through his many famous books; one of which being, Why Does He Do That?. In this work of literature, he explains the steps abusive men take to gain the trust and control of a woman. Once the abusive father makes the kids believe their mother is worthless, a mother has nothing else to live for. She begins to truly believe she is a terrible mother and feel as though she deserves the abuse.  

Society comes back at domestic violence victims with the argument that they should leave for their kids. Many women believe they are doing the right thing for their children’s safety by staying with their husbands. However, in the long run studies show the better choice for children is to get out of the marriage. According to John Fantuzzo, who works at a special research and treatment facility for young victims of child maltreatment, there are endless negative psychological effects on children who grow up witnessing their father abuse their mother. According to studies, “they are more likely to internalize their feelings and end up developing problems such as depression, anxiety and low self-esteem” (Fantuzzo 15). They also tend to have “more behavior problems in school, be involved in fights and achieve low academic success” (Fantuzzo 15). By remaining in an abusive marriage, a woman puts her child’s future at stake. 

Victims rarely have the chance to confess what their partner is doing to them. They are constantly accompanied by their abusive partner and never given the opportunity to tell anyone what is going on behind closed doors. According to Stephanie Eisenstat, a recognized leader with a Medical Degree focused in women’s health, the best place for a battered woman to speak up about her husband’s abusive actions is inside a medical facility.   People such as nurses and doctors need to make sure to talk to all women in private. Therefore, if a woman needs help, they can talk about it while their partner is not in the room. However, even with this opportunity, many women will not confess up about their situation out of fear. They know their abusive partner is right outside the door and do not trust that there is anyone who will be able to protect them from their spouse.  Doctors have begun to take a different approach to detect abuse by asking their patients questions regarding their safety at home. Some of these questions include, “Do you ever feel unsafe at home?” and “Has anyone at home hit you or tried to injure you in any way?” (Eisenstat).Most victims’ reactions will give an indicator into the hidden truth. In fact, these questions has a sensitivity of 71 percent in detecting domestic violence and a specificity of almost 85 percent” (Eisenstat). There are so many resources for these victims that physicians should refer them to. Resources include places such as safe houses and advocacy services of domestic violence survivors. As medical providers become more knowledgeable in the area of domestic violence, more victims are given the opportunity to leave.  Therefore, medical school should provide extensive training on how to detect domestic violence, which they currently are not required to teach.

There are many people including health care providers that blame battered wives for the abuse they are suffering. They believe that “the victim enjoys the abuse because if she really doesn’t like it she would leave” (Loring). As a result, many abused women are scared to tell medical providers that they are suffering from abuse because they fear that the medical staff will blame them for the abuse and will look down upon them. This makes women suffering marital abuse feel alone and without any control over their own life. The victim becomes hopeless and they give up on the thought of leaving because they believe they will be shamed by society for staying in the marriage for as long they already have. Both authors of the article, Marti Loring and Roger Smith, are involved in the law side of domestic violence. They both have testified for many domestic violence victims and watched the abuser manipulate his way into not being charged. This gives victims little hope that their abuser will ever pay for his actions; and therefore, are too scared to speak out about the abuse. If victims are ever going to make a move to leave their abusive husbands, they need the support of society, instead of negative criticism and judgements. Victims have been ripped apart and tore down by their abusers and therefore, need strong support systems to successfully leave their husbands.  

In sum, a victim cannot just leave an abusive relationship and never look back.  The decision to stay or leave is usually a life or death decision, even more difficult when children are involved.  Understanding the research involved in domestic violence and stepping into the shoes of a victim if only for a moment helps to understand why the victim makes the decisions she does. Society is naïve to the fact that “on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men” (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). The research on domestic violence proves that abuse is real and is occurring to our neighbor, cousin or closest friends. Support is the main component that will lead a woman out of an abusive marriage. Society needs to speak out more about the prevalence of domestic violence, in order to stop abusers who, believe they can continue to get away with it. Whether it be rape, emotional abuse, manipulation, or physical abuse going on in one’s marriage, there is no humiliation in speaking up about being a victim of domestic violence; it shows nothing but, pure courage. In addition, if victim choses to not leave her abusive husband, it does not mean she is not strong, it just means she is not yet ready for the long, bumpy, unsafe road that is ahead of her. Domestic violence victims need to understand that they are not worthless, but that they are among some of the strongest women to ever live; and most importantly, that they are not alone.  
