In everyday life, people walk down the street and bump into couples. These couples vary in the amount of time they have been together. It could be weeks, months, or even years. In all of their relationships they have one thing in common: love. Either it is just beginning to develop, grow stronger, and unfortunately sometimes die out. When people claim to truly love each other the usual next step is to get married. More than ninety percent of Americans marry before age fifty. If the couples who take this next step truly love each other why is the divorce rate so high in The United States of America. The divorce rate varies between forty and fifty percent on average in The United States (Gibson 1). The reason for divorce can and does have many reasons to justify it. The problem is not why they got divorced, by why the love was not strong enough to keep them together? To start to understand how people stay in love, one must first understand love. Where does love originate from and why is it enough for some couples while others separate? To answer these questions, one must question and understand, to the fullest possible ability, love. There is no complete definition of love (Gibson 1). However, previous research and theories help one gain a more informed grasp on what and how love works.

Love comes from the brain. The release of hormones and neurotransmitters cause the feeling of love (Gibson 2). What happens in the brain when “love” is experienced? There are many structures that deal with the release of the hormones and neurotransmitters (Chapman 5). The first is the Limbic System. The Limbic System is made up of the basal nuclei, thalamus, and the hypothalamus (O’Conner 1). The most active of structure is the hypothalamus (O’Conner 1). It is involved with sexual and behavioral functions. The first thing to happen is the release of the hormone and neurotransmitter adrenaline (Chapman 6). The release of adrenaline then activates the sympathetic nervous system (Chapman 6). This is the fight or flight response (Chapman 6). Will the person stay and fight, try to engage the attractive person, or choose to fly? Meaning avoid the situation completely. The physical reactions from the release are: sweaty palms, breathing shallows, skin may feel hot, and the pupils dilate (Chapman 5). The reason the pupils dilate is to see more of the person (Chapman 5).

The most crucial neurotransmitter to falling in love is dopamine (Chapman 8). Dopamine plays many roles in the brain. It has roles with the movement of fine muscles, the integration of thoughts and emotions, and decision making (Chapman 8). Along with the previously listed roles it also stimulates the hypothalamus, of the limbic system, to release hormones. This release of hormones along with dopamine has an addictive quality (Chapman 8). Dopamine is often released during pleasurable activities and use of addictive substances. When a person finds another who traits are seen as pleasurable the release of dopamine causes almost a physical addiction to the other person. This is why in the beginning of relationships partners often crave to be around or near the other. Wanting to know all about the other’s life, like, wants, and desires. The more time spent together cause the release of more neurotransmitters. This is feeding the addiction.  

Next is the release of endorphins. Endorphins are known to relieve pain. Endorphins are peptides made in the Hypothalamus as well as the pituitary gland (O’Conner 1). They are what cause the feeling of euphoria. Euphoria being an extreme state of happiness and confidence. Along with endorphins is Oxytocin. Oxytocin is also referred to as the “cuddle chemical” (Fisher). It is linked to the closeness of partners and released mainly through touch. Oxytocin also works with how neurotransmitters are affect the brain (Chapman 6). The main two it directly influences is dopamine and norepinephrine (O’Conner 2). The affect oxytocin has on the brain improves the pleasures during love making (Chapman 6). 

 A hormone that is released that plays a major role in love is vasopressin. Vasopressin plays roles in the kidneys, helping to maintain homeostasis, and restoring blood pressure (O’Conner 3). Vasopressin when effecting love helps bond the two partners closer together. The ventral pallidum is full of vasopressin receptors (O’Conner 3). In a study of people who had been together for almost, at, or over two years showed an increase in ventral pallidum system (O’Conner 3). 

In addition to the chemicals and neurotransmitters another aspect is pheromones. Pheromones are chemical signals that are released to attract potential mates (Chapman 10). Pheromones are believed to trigger sex drive by activating the hypothalamus (Chapman 10). The hypothalamus being responsible for sex hormones and fueling erotic feelings and sensations (Chapman 10).

These are all of the individual neurotransmitters and hormones that play huge roles in the brain when it comes to love. Interesting enough though, the actual structures of the brain when exposed to the feeling of love actually begin to change. Helen Fisher and her colleagues Lucy Brown, and Arthur Aron did a study that showed this occurrence (Fisher). The study consisted of couples who said they were intensely in love. The couples were individually put into an MRI and show a picture of the other. On the MRI screen it showed a glow, blood flow, in three major brain cell clusters. The right ventral tegmental area, nucleus accumbens, and the medial caudate nucleus (Fisher). These three clusters are related to motivation and reward in the brain (Fisher). When the clusters are activated it causes a sense of feeling good (Fisher). This is because the cluster also release dopamine (Fisher). Previously discussed about its addicting qualities. 

The hormones, neurotransmitters, and brain structures are all a part of the biology that goes into the feeling that is love. From just this angle of love one understands what couples feel when they first meet and get together. However, to fully understand love from multiple angles one must also dive into the psychology of love. 

To talk about psychology is to talk about one of its founding fathers, Sigmund Freud. Freud had multiple theories that ranged from dreams to love and hysteria (Chapman 14). Believing love and sexuality are intertwined Freud believed they were confused and misguided. At a young age, boys wish to eliminate their fathers and have their mothers to themselves (Chapman 14). The same goes for young girls just slightly different in the way of wanting to eliminate their mother to have the father all for themselves (Chapman 14). The thought was that children want and go after the love and affection of their parents. As children grow up they search for partners that have similar qualities that of their parents (Chapman 14). If as a young girl her father was a good father, she will see other men with those same or similar qualities to be able to be good spouses and fathers. 

Another psychologist who needs to be named is B.F. Skinner. He is known for his work with operant conditioning (Chapman 19). Operant conditioning is the learning of behaviors through the consequences they bring (Chapman 19). If a behavior brings a good outcome, reinforcement, it will be done again. If the outcome of the behavior is bad, punishment, it will not be repeated. Skinner’s operant conditioning can easily be applied to love (Chapman 19). When a man is interested in a woman he will flirt, take her on dates, and do sweet things such as send flowers. The reinforcement to these actions is that the woman, if she feels the same way, will be more affectionate towards the man. Hormones and neurotransmitters can also play a role in operant conditioning. When a couple is in love there is an increase in physical contact. This contact can be: hugging, cuddling, kissing, or more intimate. These allow and encourage to release of endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, and the others previously listed (Chapman 19). This then causes feelings of contentment and euphoria. Increasing the couples desire to be around each other. This in turn will continue to cause the release of more hormones and neurotransmitters. All of these being the reinforcement of being around each other and in the others company. 

Abraham Maslow is another important psychologist who was involved with love. Maslow fathered the humanistic psychology perspective (Chapman 16). This perspective focuses on humans choose to freely choose life patterns for supportive personal growth (Chapman 16). The humanistic perspective is different from that of Freuds perspective in that people make decisions in life that are opposite of the subconscious influences. Maslow categorized fundamentals: the physiological needs, safety, esteem, love and belonging, self-transcendence, and self-actualization (Chapman 16). The needs being food, shelter, water, and rest. Safety as security, stability, protection, and structure (Chapman 16). Love and belonging needs are affectionate relationships and adoration (Chapman 16). Esteem is for one’s self as well as others. Self-actualization and transcendence is to become all one can be and going beyond ones limits (Chapman 16). This may seem hard to understand how it relates to love but this is actually a crucial part of love and why people stay with each other. Once the physiological needs are met the next is safety. Of course, this is physical safety, but it includes structure, stability, and order (Chapman 16). This is a reason for some couples to stay together. It is simply due to the fact that if they were to split it would no longer allow the safety aspect to be met. The fear of the unknown is a real and scary thing for couples. However, the aspect of safety in a good or healthy relationship can allow for the love between the partners to grow stronger. This due to the fact that it protects them from loneliness and desolation. 

 Now knowing the biological and psychological aspects of love one sees love a little clearer. Seeing how it is not only what happens in the brain but how the feeling makes us want it more. Making our own choice or making the choice of reason due to past experience. Love does not stop there. Another aspect of love to evaluate is the philosophical aspect love brings into our lives. Psychology was brought to life through philosophy. To see love through philosophy, one must go back to ancient Greece. 

In ancient Greece lived a man named Plato. Plato was the first person to believe in the existence of soul mates (Chapman 22). Plato believed in the idea that the soul is separate from the body. Plato believed and taught that in the world there is someone that is meant to be with this specific person (Chapman 22). As humans one is to find the other half that will complete one and make them whole. A modern philosopher, Michael Boylan, stated, “Love is an action, and the concept leads us to change and grow as human beings.” This leads one to come to the conclusion that love not only directs one to their soulmate but also be good people. 

Love comes from the brain. The release of neurotransmitters and hormones cause one to feel love for another. The want or craving for love and affection comes from the psychology and biology of wanting the to feel that way again. Only being able to feel that way around that one special person. Mixing this with the drive to want a soulmate, and you get love. Love is the most addictive of all the emotions (Fisher). That is why people start relationships. However, what enables a couple to go twenty, thirty, or even fifty plus years together and maintain that feeling. With having a better understanding love, one is now able to answer this question. Love may start the relationship but what keeps a couple together goes beyond love. Love is present during all of this, but it is not always why the couple can grit their teeth and get through the tough times. Helen fisher did a study on couples who have been together for thirty plus years. Fisher put these couples into a MRI and showed them a picture of their partner. Out of all the couples, one hundred percent, when shown a picture of their partner had an incredible increase in activity in a certain part of the brain (Fisher). The part of the brain was the ventro-temporal-limbic or also known as the VTL(Fisher). The VTL is responsible numerous duties (Chapman 7). The duty that pertains to love is that the VTL allows one to overlook flaws (Fisher). The VTL will throw out everything that is annoying, irritating, and just bad about the partner and then focus on the good (Fisher). That seems simple and great but why is it that not every couple can overlook flaws? Karl A. Pillemer also did a study. Pillemer did not put couples in an MRI. However, he interviewed all the couples and simply asked how they did it. How did they get through the rough times? How did they not throw in the towel? At the end of Pillemer’s study he concluded that in all boils down to mind set and determination.  One of the participates of the study, Sheldon, stated 

We have had some pretty hard arguments, believe me. You’ve got to deal with it and not to have in the back of your head that you’re going to split. You’ve got to get that out of your head. That whatever it is that goes on, you’re going to stay together and work it out.

 Another participant, Jerome, added,” Treat marriage—at every stage—as a lifelong commitment.” Mae Powers wrapped it all up with her statements: 

It’s continually committing, actively deciding to stay together. During the rough times, you have to decide to recommit yourself to the relationship. My husband and I joke about having “gotten married” many times. Things happen that cause people to question their relationships, and then they have to make a decision to recommit or not recommit, and how to recommit if they decide to do so. So, when I recommit to staying together today after a huge blow-up, it’s with the knowledge of all of those limitations and what I have decided I’m willing to live with. 

How do couples stay together? It is a simple question with an extremely complicated answer. First, the couple must fall in love. Everything must fall in place. One, the other partner must like you back. All the right neurotransmitters must flood the brain. Both partners need to chip in to fulfil the psychological needs of the other partner. Then there is the philosophical of growing to become better people together. While all of this is going down the individual partners have to not screw it up with a bad joke or comment. Dates have to be fun and money is going to have to be spent on the other. Once the couple thinks that they love each other they will then get married or not they will just stay by each other’s side. Through every fight, every slip up in trust, and every night were it is easier to give up they must choose the other. How do couples stay together? Knowing all this information doesn’t point out a true reason of how or why. All it does it fill in pieces to a puzzle that no one has all the pieces to. Couples stay together because they have a partner that though is not perfect, makes going through life, just a little bit easier. To give that partner up would be to break off a part of them. Couples stay together because they over look the bad things and press on through life trying to make each other happy no matter what. Love plus determination, minus lingering over flaws, equals a relationship that will truck on through the bad to the fairy tale forever. 
