A man is supposed to provide for his family. He is the head of the house hold, the captain of the ship. In the poem, Forgiving My Father by Lucille Clifton, the speaker is the daughter of a deadbeat father. This poem is not just about money; it is also about not having a relationship with her father. He does not provide for his family financially or emotionally and she wants payback. She wants him to pay for the pain that he caused her and her mother. She held on to the pain and hurt for years. Her father’s actions really affected her in a negative way; and it appears that she was not able to forgive him until now. 

In the first stanza of Forgiving My Father, Clifton writes “It is Friday we have come/ To the paying of the bills” (1-2). This the first-time payment is mentioned and it is being used to talk about the physical act of paying bills. When you do not pay your bills on time, utilities get cut off. Every time it was time for her father to pay the bills there was a problem. He would not have the money and would ask for extra time, but she was sick of him doing this. She was tired of his excuses. Her father could never pay the bills on time. “All week you have stood in my dreams/ Like a ghost, asking for my time/ But today is payday, payday old man” (Clifton 3-5).  Her father was haunting her dreams; she was having nightmares about her father. It disturbed the speaker that her father even made excuses in her dreams, begging and pleading for more time. It was time for her father to pay, but of course it never happened.   The speaker’s tone changes, she sounds angry. She says “… Today is payday, payday Old man” (Clifton 5). She calls him “Old man” instead of dad or father. This shows us the lack of respect she has for him. The fact that he does not provide like he is supposed to has a toll on their relationship as well. She emotionally detached herself from her father. Repetition is being used to get her point across; emphasizing on the fact that it is payday, the bills need to be paid. She did not want to hear his excuses, she just wanted him to pay. Not only was this affecting her, but her mother as well.  He was not giving his family the financial stability that they needed, the stability that he was supposed to provide as the head of the house hold. The speaker’s mother had to be the father and the mother. 

In the second stanza of the poem, it is no longer just about the speaker’s relationship with her father; it is about his relationship with her mother as well. Clifton writes “… I wish you were rich so I could take it all/ And give the lady what she was due” (Clifton 10-11). She wishes she could take from her father; and pay her mother back for all that she did. Raising children is not an easy job, but imagine having to do it all on your own. Her mother also had to take care of the finances in the house; she had to pick up the father’s slack. Unfortunately, there was no way for her to pay her mother back. “You gave her all you had/ Which was nothing. You had already given her/ All you had” (Clifton 14-16). Her father had already given her mother all he had, but all he “had” was nothing. He never could give her anything because he did not have anything.  He had nothing to give and nothing to take. 

In the last stanza of the poem, the speaker realizes that she needs to move on.  “What am I doing here collecting? / You lie side by side in debtor’s boxes/ And no accounting will open them up.” (Clifton 21-23). Clifton is comparing debtor’s boxes to caskets.  The speaker’s parents are dead; and she is still dwelling on the past. When she says, “What am I doing here collecting” it makes you feel like the speaker is at the grave site of her parents; and she is finally realizing that she needs to move on. There is no way to change the past. It is impossible for her father to pay her back because he is deceased. She is also referring to the fact that she cannot have someone dig her parents up, she cannot bring the dead back to life. She says, “You were each other’s bad bargain, not mine.” (line 19). It was not just her father’s fault; it was her mother’s as well. The man was not a good father or husband, but her mother put up with it. She knew that he had nothing to offer, but she stayed with him anyway. 

The speaker in this poem was on an emotional rollercoaster from the beginning until the end. In the beginning, she was angry about how her father was unable to provide for his family emotionally or financially. The speaker emotionally detached herself from her father. You could tell that the she lacked respect for her father because of the names that she would call him. He did not give her the father-daughter relationship that she wanted. Her mother had to do everything on her own.  The speaker just wanted her father to pay them back. She begins to realize that it is not only her father’s fault, but her mother’s as well. Her mother allowed them to stay in that situation. She allowed the father to do what he did, she excepted his dead-beat behavior. Towards the end of the poem the speaker’s tone begins to change, she calms down. She realizes that she needs to move on, she needs to let go of the past. Her parents are dead; and she is still letting things from her childhood affect her. They are still affecting her because she never got closure. She never got to tell her dad how she felt before he passed away. “But you were the only son of a needy father/ The father of a needy son” (Clifton 12-13). Her father had always been penniless. A father is only capable of giving what he has and what he knows. A good father gives all of himself that is good. It wasn’t that her father did not want to provide for his family, he did the best he could. He gave all he had, but sadly all he had was nothing. 