When a baby is born, he or she is probably pampered and has everything done for them up until they “leave the nest” per se. Life is relatively easy and as a child; you don’t have much responsibility, but you are prepared to take on the world one step at a time. The book “Lila” by Marilynne Robinson begins in an Iowan town in the 1900’s, where a toddler named Lila is rescued from the pouring  rain. Her rescuer, Doll, takes care of her until her crimes catch up with her and she is arrested. As a grown woman, Lila has minimal recollection of her childhood, and almost none of her parents. Lila moves on through life and is forced to make decisions of her own with the little guidance she has been given. She eventually meets a preacher named John Ames who falls in love with her, but has trouble connecting her due to her inability to open up. By looking at how Lila Dahl forms and maintains relationships with others, we are able to see that she has trouble trusting others and accepting herself. This is important because Lila’s thoughts and actions help us gain insight of how people who deal with abandonment issues think and behave socially.

In an article called “Child Psychiatry and Human Development”, Michael H. Burnstein says that children who are abandoned exhibit traits that most would find unfavorable. “Numerous authors have related aggressive behavior in children to the psychological rejection and the abandonment which followed. These reports note rebelliousness, disobedience, temper tantrums, suspicion, stealing and truancy.” (Burnstein)

If you are to read Lila, you would notice that Lila manifests many of traits that Michael listed. As a child, Lila would often say “rot in hell” because they were some of the only words she knew. (7)  Stealing a Bible, contemplating leaving her husband and an inability to trust are all features of Lila which give insight to her character. Even though she doesn’t portray all of the qualities of an abandoned child as Burnstein described, Lila obviously suffers from childhood abandonment. It is fair to assume that Lila would portray disobedience, rebelliousness and temper tantrums when she was younger, but Lila’s character as a child is short-lived and does not provide much insight. Adult Lila is relatively mature, which is surprising to see. Burnstein states that “Orphanages or other forms of foster care typically have more adverse effects on children as opposed to adoption.”(Burnstein) which might explain Lila’s maturity. This is seen when Lila no longer lives in the orphanage and is under care of Doll. Once neglected, she is now saved and given a better chance of living a fulfilling life. With an adoptee like Doll, Lila has gained some sense of morality. Instead of being neglected, she has a mother figure. She is relatively kind, and thinks things through before she acts. One might even say that she overthinks. Her maturity and improved outlook on life is indicative of progress, but her past still haunts her and impedes her from doing things that are good for her.

 When John Ames offers to baptize her, she shows disdain and declines his offer. She makes it very clear that she does not want to be baptized, but never reveals why until after she accepts his offer. “I worked in a whorehouse in St. Louis. A whorehouse. You probably don’t even know what that is. Oh! Why did I say that.”(89) You can tell by the way she repeats “a whorehouse” and her immediate regret of honesty that she is deeply embarrassed of her sin.  It’s ironic that Lila didn’t want to be baptized, because baptism is a way of ridding your body of sin. If she had read The Acts of the Apostles, she may have been more willing to be baptized. "When Saul of Tarsus (later the apostle Paul) was first converted, he was told to be baptized to wash away his sins." (Acts 22:16) Ames is not disgusted by or resenting of Lila, but instead he embraces her. Like a preacher should, Ames explains that the baptism has given her a clean slate.

“Lila Dahl, I just washed you in the waters of regeneration. As far as I’m concerned, you’re a newborn babe. And yes, I do know what a whorehouse is. Though not from personal experience. You’re making sure you can trust me, which is wise. Much better for both of us.” (90)

This is a major turning point in for Lila. In addition to becoming one with Christ, Lila has been forgiven for her past, which has never been done before. As Ames said himself, Lila is making sure that she can trust him.

There are more problems other than self-acceptance that Lila faces. Not only did she feel unworthy to be baptized, but she is weary of trusting Ames, and is unwilling to trust anyone else. In the beginning of Lila and Ames' relationship, she always thought of leaving him. She had a plan of how she was going to do it also, which was given up when the homeless boy took her money and she refused to take it back. (148) Lila’s lack of trust can also be explained by understanding the effects of childhood abandonment described in an article by Matthew Childres. Childres says, "...abandoned children are relatively more 'hypersensitive,' due to the insecurity of not belonging to a permanent setting." (Childres)  This makes sense because Lila only begins to show a change of heart after she has grown closer to Ames and Gilead. The description of children feeling like “not belonging to a permanent setting” describes Lila perfectly and also makes sense of her lack of trust for everyone, as well as her constant intent of leaving. 

It is not until the end of the book where we can see a clear change in Lila’s character. The transition of her trusting Ames was a long development and moreover, an irreversible one.   Her desire to read from the Bible, her and Ames seeming lively and happy together, and most importantly her willingness to stay in Gilead and settle indicate that she has matured and is deep within a conscious quest to accept herself. John Ames may have been the only person who could have brought her to where she was; coming to terms with guilt and learning from it.  A symbol of Lila’s past, Doll’s knife, is revisited on page 260. “There was no way to abandon guilt, no decent way to disown it. All the tangles and knots of bitterness and desperation and fear had to be pitied. No, better, grace had to fall over them.” Lila may have lived her whole life struggling with guilt, desperation and fear if she had not met Ames. His patience, love and determination to make her a Christian woman was the driving force behind it all. Normally every marriage has a chance of falling through, but in Lila's case, it does not. A normal, less dedicated man would probably have given up long before Ames did. Seeing the way Lila viewed Ames towards the end of the book shows that he was just what she needed. 

Alas, while it has been a long and difficult tribulation for her with plenty of self-conflict and much progress, Lila still shows signs of trouble with her past. Despite her whole experience, Lila can still say to Ames, “I can’t love you as much as much as I love you. I can’t feel as happy as I am.”(255) For one last time we can get a glimpse into the mind of Lila. After everything she still can’t trust Ames as much as she wants to, and everything she still can’t trust, and she still can’t accept herself. The effects of childhood abandonment are clearly an ordeal, perhaps an inescapable one for Lila. 
